My Idiot's Tale

My blog has moved . . .

2009-05-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

If you are looking for my blog it has moved here (all previous posts can be found there as well, and they are indexed!):

http://emikojaffe.wordpress.com/

If you are looking for my weight coaching website, you can find it here:

http://emikojaffe.com/

Thanks for checking out my blog!

Emiko

Saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to something else

2009-05-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know where I first heard that phrase, but it's one that I feel bears repeating. Mother's Day got me thinking about how a lot of moms say yes to so many people (children, significant others, employers, friends, total strangers . . .) and they flat out forget to say yes to themselves. By saying yes too many times to others, I have said no to my own needs and wants. This often meant neglecting my own self care and well-being (I remember times when the idea of a shower seemed exorbitantly decadent). This made me very cranky, often resentful, and really icky to be around.

The word No is an incredibly powerful ally in allowing you to say yes to your own needs. Because you are so capable, smart and plain fabulous, you are going to be invited to do a myriad of things and help with a variety projects. Some you'll truly want to do and others you'd rather trade for highly detailed dental work. Remember they are only invitations, not mandates - you get to choose where you spend your time and energy. Maybe you truly want to volunteer on your home owners association board, but if doing so means sacrificing your basic needs (tending to your fitness and health, getting enough sleep, showering . . .) then consider what you're really saying yes to: yes to helping the HOA run meetings and getting contractor bids for the-flowers-lining-the-walkway project, yes to eating poorly, yes to stress and anxiety due to being pressed for time (because, let's be honest, you're most likely president of the PTA, the go to guy/girl everyone relies on to get things done, the grand poo-bah of your social club and/or you spend the better part of your waking life shuttling kids -yours and others - back and forth to no less than twelve activities a week). Is that working for you?

What invitations, requests or people can you say no to this week that will allow you to say yes to you?

I Accept

2009-05-07T08:28:00.000-07:00

Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck.

~ Nathaniel Branden

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.

~ J.K. Rowling

What I really want to be doing right now is eating up some yards at the pool or practicing some crazy tricks on my pole. Instead, I'm home in my jammies doing nothing. I am nursing an injured back muscle that makes it painful to engage in my beloved physical activities. It's been over two weeks since I've moved in a way that satisfies me. Not only that, but I'm feeling really drained and tired.

I'm in a really good place to mope and feel sorry for myself. But that's not really my style. Nope, if I'm going to protest this injury thing, I'll just get super busy and make my recovery a project. So I line up my massage therapists, personal trainers, chiropractors, homeopaths and whoever else I think can help me figure out what went wrong and then fix me up. They all tell me I need to rest and lay off my workouts - shocker, right? While forcefully kneading my body into a pulp, my massage therapist offered this piece of advice : quit working so hard at recovering so you can actually recover. That definitely hit home with me.

Resisting the situation at hand --that I'm injured, tired and in need of rest-- means I am fighting with reality and not only is that physically and emotionally draining, but it doesn't yield desired results (I'm still injured, tired and in need of rest). Forcing recovery by seeing every skilled professional in town and asking them to give me exercises, supplements and treatments to put a rush on the healing process is how I resist my current circumstance. I don't have to like my condition in order to accept it; in fact, when I do accept it I am in a much better place to see the most effective plan of action I must take in order to move forward and achieve the results I ultimately want - to engage in the activities I love at my peak levels and to significantly reduce my risk of injury.

So I am redirecting my energy to non-doing, I'm accepting my current condition and from there I can better know what steps I must take to make real recovery happen. When I look at my situation from that place I see that I don't actually want to swim or be on my pole right now. What I truly want is to recover and, for now, that looks like me being at home in my jammies doing nothing.

Where's the BFF?

2009-04-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

A while back I posted a blog about romantic relationships and how damaging I thought it was for people to seek their personal fulfillment in others. I recently discovered that I was falling for the same trap I ranted on about, only I wasn't pining for a romantic partner, I was pining for a best friend! Like my romantically longing sisters and brothers, I wondered things like: when will I find that special someone who really "gets me", the girlfriend who will take off with me on a moment's notice for a weekend at the spa, someone who shares my interests and wants to partake in activities I find fascinating and fun, someone who will just love and accept me for who I am , someone who will constantly tell me how amazing, wonderful and fabulous I am . . .?!!! With the exception of the love and acceptance part, this set up sounds nothing like a friendship and a whole lot more like a desperate salesperson sucking up to a potential customer. I decided I definitely do not want to be a part of that.

What I did come to realize is that feeling understood is very important, but asking someone to understand me, my preferences and my quirks - and appreciate them - is not only a tall order, it's impossible to do unless that someone happens to be me. Ultimately, I'm responsible for feeling understood. If I don't understand me, I'm in big trouble. Fortunately, I do get me. In fact, I spent the better part of the last couple of years trying to figure me out! So not only am I relieved to know that I get me, I'm grateful that I took the time and made the effort to really know myself, an ongoing process as you can see.

As for the weekend at the spa, when I get right down to it, I'd rather go by myself. That's just how I roll (something I learned about myself and now totally "get" about me). Wanting someone to tell me really positive things about me is just my ego seeking validation from others that I'm a worthwhile human. But as Eckhart Tolle says human alone is never enough . . .then there is Being (I also refer to it as spirit or soul) . . . human and Being are not separate, but interwoven. In other words, as long as I believe my worth as a person only comes from my achievements, favorable situations or possessions (including relationships) I am always going to fall short. Why? because these things are fleeting (even if they last decades) and ever changing, but the one constant is knowing and loving myself - that which is beyond human. When I connect to the deeper part of who I really am, not only do I feel totally fulfilled, but my relationships with others become richer, too.

Once I realized this, I realized that pursuing and having a best friend was unnecessary for two reasons: 1) I am the only person capable of making myself feel completely worthy and whole and 2) I have many fabulous friends who are as different from one another as can be, yet they all have one thing in common: they love and accept me for who I am and have no desire to change me in any way.

How cool is it that I get to be friends with this unique combination of people?! Now that I have a more mature understanding of my relationships, I can assume the role of my own BFF and let everyone else off the hook. I am free to enjoy my friends without the nagging and false belief that I need anything from them (or anyone else) and that allows me to be there, fully connected, with the people I love.

My Aunt Chizuko

2009-04-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone dies but not everyone lives. ~ A. Sachs

Taken May 2002

I just learned this week that my aunt Chizuko has passed. As is the case with most of my Japanese relatives, I had infrequent contact with her (she lived in Japan) and knew very little about her. I'm not quite sure how old she was when she passed (I estimate mid to late 80s) and I don't recall what her married name was. What I did know about her, though, is that she was one of the coolest people I have ever met. The first time I met Chizi was when I was around eight years old, she came to the States for her very first (and I believe only) visit and commented (in Japanese - she spoke no English and I understood very little Japanese) on how big and beautiful everything was. My parents took all of us to the Grand Canyon and the whole time she said little else other than Suteki da ne?! (Isn't it beautiful). I was more impressed with the little bottle of sand she brought me from Mt. Fujiyama - the sand was shaped like stars!

The last time I visited my aunt was late Spring 2002. She was healthy, spry and beautiful. She lived alone (a widow for some years) and never had any children. I believe she reintroduced me to Natto (fermented soy beans - I just ate some today!) on this trip. She was beyond delighted to see me and my then husband. She was littler than me, but she gave the biggest, strongest and most yummy hugs. She had this fabulous way of making everyone feel welcome and like you were the very person she wanted to see in that exact moment. I hadn't had any children yet, but had she met them, I'm sure Chizi and my girls would have been mutually smitten.

My aunt kept two altars in her home: one was a buddhist altar where she chanted once in the morning and once at night and the other was an ancestral altar where she kept photos of family members who had passed and made offerings of tea and rice to their spirits every morning. My understanding is that these are not uncommon practices in Japan, especially for older generations, but they were unfamiliar to me. She struck me as a very peaceful, happy and centered woman which is remarkable because this side of my family tends to stir up the drama. I found her approach to life very refreshing and inspiring. She's also the only other family member that I know of (besides me) who practiced yoga.

My aunt was an accomplished calligrapher. A couple of times a week she taught this art to children ranging from elementary through high school aged students. She clearly loved this. She loved her home and her neighbors, especially the little three year old girl who showed up every morning at her front door - her mother chasing after her - shouting up the stairs Obachan! (an affectionate term similar to "granny"). My aunt loved her life and the people she shared it with. She made people feel calmer and more alive at the same time. She had great energy.

One of my aunt's calligraphy pieces

You can learn a lot from someone just by observing how much peace and joy they invite into their life. My Aunt Chizuko was a great teacher to me in this way. So while I grieve the loss of my aunt and all the visits we can no longer have, I also celebrate a life lived on purpose and a beautiful, free spirit that is bigger than either life or death. Thank you, Auntie, for sharing your compassion, courage, wisdom and love - you leave with us an amazing legacy.

My need to achieve

2009-03-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

Constantly striving, never arriving ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Okay, I’m back. So, I took a little break from my blog – it turns out when you add more stuff to an already bustling schedule there is less time to do other stuff . . .like my blog. But I learned something extremely valuable about myself while I was busily engaged in whatever it was I was busily engaged in (currently I have been on a coaching tear and I'm loving every minute of it!): I learned that I totally worship “busy.” Specifically, I’m an achievement addict (yes, that compulsive part of me is an insidious and persistent little bugger). I discovered that when I’m not in the process of achieving something, I’m looking to be in the process of achieving something. The key concept here is in the process. Once I achieve something, I get bored and want to move on to achieving something else. I rarely – if ever- bask in my achievements and if one of my coaching clients skipped this part, I would ask “why aren’t you basking?” Here's just one example (and this need to achieve thing is not limited to my physical accomplishments; it creeps into my parenting, career and friendship arenas as well - it's quite versatile!): between gaining my pole fitness level back to a place where I could perform advanced pole tricks again (after I took the entire winter off) and contemplating how often and for how long I would need to train to be an elite aerial artist (and I’m only half kidding here, people!), I decided to ask myself “why can’t I just bask in the glow of my re-achieved Death Lay?” The answer to that question was “I must constantly be achieving to be happy” and underneath that little stressful thought was the even more stressful “my achievements protect me from criticism when I choose to be myself”. This is basically comes down to me thinking I am fundamentally lacking as an individual and that my accomplishments make up for that lack. Yuck. I just had to take that one to Inquiry and here’s the result:

(Some extremely technical notes you may feel free to skip: when I refer to my social self I am referring to the left hemisphere of my brain – which houses the primitive amygdala – this is where fear lives. When I refer to my essential self I am referring to the right hemisphere of my brain – which involves the neocortex, but I had difficulty locating documentation, so here’s a video of a neuroscientist explaining brain topography in lay terms as she also explains her life-altering stroke which caused her to experience Pure Consciousness, it is FABULOUS – this part of my brain is where I am made aware of my spirit/divine nature/Being/soul and how I know I am whole and perfect underneath my physical existence and circumstances.)

My achievements protect me from criticism when I choose to be myself.

Is this true? Yes Can I absolutely know this to be true? No

When I think this thought, I am: wired, anxious, caught up in doing, my chest feels tight, I’m focused on other people (not my business). I treat myself as if my needs/wants are second to how people may perceive me.

Without this thought, I am: freer, lighter, open, unfettered. If I lived my life not thinking this thought, “my people” would find me and recognize me – I would do exactly what I want without the added wastage of time and energy from worrying about stuff I can’t control. I would take better care of myself and I would do more stuff I truly enjoy.

My thoughts protect my achievements from criticism when I choose to be myself. (This turnaround felt more true than my original stressful thought.)

- my thoughts tell me I must achieve in order to be happy – I don’t have to do anything to be myself

- I can choose to be myself independent of fear of criticism, yet my mind tells me my achievement is necessary to live critcism-free (such bullshit!)

- I can’t know when I’m being criticized or praised anyway b/c those judgments live in the minds of others (and is totally none of my business)

- If I followed my essential self and just went off and did what I genuinely felt like, my social self would tell me I needed to achieve in order to be allowed to do it (the price I must pay for “freedom”)

- It’s not Me that needs to be defended, my essential self doesn’t care about that, but my social self (ego) is super concerned with appearances and images and feels compelled to add more (achievement) in order to feel worthy.

- Ultimately, I get to decide whether I choose to believe the critical opinion of others, and my achievements, or lack of, has little to do with that (my thinking tells me b/c I achieve, I’m allowed some credit to do as I please, until the next time I need to rack up more achievement “credit” for the next time I choose to be in alignment with my essential self.).

Does this mean I stop achieving? Hell no! It just means that I can now achieve whatever I truly, authentically want free from the shackles of thinking that it has to do with anything other than serving the best in me, so I can, in turn, be of genuine service to others. I'm still working on it, but I now feel I am in a better place to relax into savoring and honoring my achievements for the gems that they are rather than using them as defense shields against unfounded and irrelevant social fears. That feels mighty liberating.

Revolutionary Road Vs. He's Just Not That Into You

2009-02-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

VS.

I saw both of these movies and found each one amazing. One I found amazingly insightful and hopeful, the other I found amazingly depressing and toxic - it's probably not what you think. Both of these movies teach excellent lessons (though I suspect it wasn't intentional at least on the part of one of them) on what happens when we don't live our authentic lives . . .

I loved Revolutionary Road . This is an intense film and it certainly isn't everyone's cup of tea. If I had seen this movie a couple of years ago, it would have scared me to death because at that time, I knew I wasn't living my authentic life (though I wasn't quite sure what that could possibly mean for me at the time). On its surface this movie is about a young upper middle class couple settling in the suburbs and falling into a life that can best be described as what Henry David Thoreau calls "a life of quiet desperation". I suspect for many, the focus of the movie is the relationship between the main characters - the focus for me were the individual choices the main characters were faced with: the well-worn path that, for them, spelled an unfulfilled life and the road less travelled, but, authentic, that proved to liberate them even when they were merely thinking about their new choice. Of course, the relationship, being comprised of the two featured individuals, is severely affected by these choices.

As for He's Just Not That Into You (HJNTIY), this movie epitomizes the well-worn path that lead people (like the main characters in Revolutionary Road in the end) into the "quiet desperation" quandry they can sometimes find themselves in. The basic assumption of HJNTIY is that everyone (especially women) needs to find a romantic partner and get (and stay) married in order to find and/or experience happiness. It also assumes that most women are psychotic, or at least neurotic, individuals (and the movie makes women look like gross caricatures of actual women) who justifiably spend the better part of their waking hours searching for someone who will consent to marrying them and if they are "fortunate" enough to capture a spouse, they then reallocate their time to clinging to/saving the marriage one or both parties felt coerced into. Yikes!

What Revolutionary Road shows us is that we decide what makes us happy. This is fabulously illustrated when the main character's - who at the beginning of the movie feel distraught, depressed and troubled - decide to take the road less travelled: they decide to break from the pack and leave the comforts and perceived certainty of their suburban existence to follow their passions and whatever adventures they experience in that pursuit (much to the horror and consternation of their disapproving peers). The crucial element here is that once they made the decision to move toward their happiness, THEY became happier - nothing changed on the outside (they still lived in suburbia, the husband still worked at the job he loathed and the wife continued performing the domestic duties she hated - except, now, these things no longer bothered them). The only difference is that they had changed their thinking: they no longer thought of themselves as trapped individuals in a helpless and hopeless situation, they now thought of themselves as the individuals capable of living a more authentic lives and that made living the life they had not only bearable, but satisfying (incidentally, this improved their relationship exponentially). They, of course, don't recognize the real reason for their happiness - their ability to control their thoughts and feelings (I guess they didn't have life coaches back in the 60's? lol) - and so were susceptible to slipping back to their old feelings of helplessness and hopelessness as their situation changed and this is exactly what happens.

The husband gets an unexpected promotion after he flippantly proposes a carelessly conceived idea to the corporate offices while in his newfound "I don't give a shit, I'm moving to Paris, baby!" attitude (he finds this ironic) and starts getting cold feet about Paris. He is once again seduced by the elusive promise of happiness coming from material success and its trappings - the very things he was so eager to get away from. Then the wife gets pregnant, unexpectedly, and this increases the husband's "evidence" for needing to stay in suburbia in a job he loathes and forfeiting their dream to move to Paris. The wife lobbies hard to honor their Paris plans, but submits and resigns herself to staying after they have an ugly knock-down-drag-out fight. During this fight (or was it before?) the husband says "we don't have to move to Paris to be happy, we can be happy here." And he's right, BUT, unfortunately, they choose to believe their circumstances dictate their level of happiness. It's important to reiterate that nothing in their life had changed when they were blissfully happy for a few months, only that their thinking caused them to experience a better feeling state which then translated into a perceived better life and happiness. The converse is true as well, nothing changes, in fact something considered positive by most people happens (the husband gets a raise and promotion), but they choose to believe that now they have chosen to abandon their dream of moving to Paris, and so they must also abandon the positive feelings that went along with the thought and anticipation of moving to Paris. They erroneously believe their circumstances dictate their happiness, they erroneously believed it was Paris they wanted, but what they really wanted is the feeling state they created when they thought about Paris. This movie could just as easily have ended in an authentic (not hollywood style) happily ever after instead of ending as tragically as it did. This is what I love about the movie - the choices and their potential consequences (positive and negative) are illustrated so clearly and beautifully.

It is for this reason, by the way, why I love coaching people - I want everyone to know that we can control our level of happiness through our thoughts and feelings. Specifically, we can control up to 40% of the happiness we experience, but we have 100% control over the thoughts and feelings that comprise that portion (I'll blog about this 40% separately - complete with scientific data - it deserves it's own post!) - this is fantastic news!!!

Okay, back to HJNTIY . . . this movie basically suggests that the character's happiness is almost entirely dependent on outside circumstance and people (when really, only 10% of our happiness is attributed to external circumstances - more on that in the separate post). In the case of the movie, the romantic partner is the external thing that is supposed to ignite the happy feelings within us. Here's what I know for sure: you cannot get happy from outside yourself, happy resides within us always and must be tapped before we can genuinely experience happy outside ourselves.

Even if someone thinks a person, place, situation or thing makes them happy - it's really the thought about the person, place or thing that created the feeling state they generated for themselves. For example, there are auto aficionados who believe owning a (or several) vintage car makes them happy - they may cite the mechanical or aesthetic merits of the car as giving them a sense of appreciation and wonder, driving the car may trigger the feeling state of freedom or exhilaration. These feelings are not triggered in someone who knows jack about cars (like me), but the same feeling states are triggered by other things (for me, this would be dancing!). These feelings states can also be triggered by just thinking thoughts that turn your crank (and, really, you should engage in this activity frequently!).

In a romantic relationship, some people may want to feel understood, connected and passionate. Romantic relationships can certainly trigger these feelings, but they originate in the person feeling them. An example: We may believe a certain guy/gal makes us feel these fab feelings - for a while and then not so much after another while. What changed? the guy/gal? Nope, probably your thoughts about that guy/gal. Speaking from personal experience, I find the less I know about a charming man the more intrigued I am (the more positive thoughts I can fill in the mystery places with that cause me happy thoughts about the guy - all created by myself thanks, very much - the more fascinated I become with him) - the better I get to know him and he slowly doesn't fit my ideal thoughts about him (so not his fault), the less interested I may become in him. Not that he isn't necessarily a swell guy, but my thoughts about what I expected and what actually IS mesh less and less and I lose interest. Of course, I'm talking about a superficial initial attraction sort of thing, I do believe that we are all capable of making far deeper connections than what is on the surface, but it takes courage to be authentic enough to connect with people on a deeper level and it's impossible to do when there is a lot of game playing and such going on - thoughts about what one person thinks another will respond to - do not create fertile grounds for authentic relationships of any kind, romantic or otherwise.

HJNTIY feeds the idea that we need to act a certain way to attract a certain someone to be in a certain relationship and, ultimately, become happy - and it's not genuine. There's no acting in being genuine. HJNTIY and movies like it (and even some well-intentioned advice-givers, i.e. friends and family) suggest silly little rules to follow like, "wait x many days to call or she'll think you're desperate" "don't get too friendly with a guy on the first date or he'll think you're a whore" "the ultimate goal in life is to get married and then cling to your spouse as if your life depends on it" (although I did like the advice dispensed by the bartender guy, like "if he hasn't called in month, he's not into you", "don't go out with guys who don't like you" and, my favorite, "don't stalk people . . ." the most useful things said in the movie!). The truth is you either feel desperate or not, you either feel like you're trading your body for monetary (or other) compensation or not, you either feel you need someone else to make you happy and feel complete or you realize that that is an impossible task for anyone but you to do for yourself. If whatever someone says or does gets a negative rise out of you, you probably believe it and that's what is really causing you to suffer. The truth is you are none of these things, but if you feel it's true then I wholeheartedly suggest you find the thought making you feel that way and dissolve it.

One more note on HJNTIY, even though all of the married couples portrayed in the film appeared miserable with or, at best, uninterested in their spouses - the movie ends with a marriage proposal (I actually said "oh gross" aloud - it was stomach-churning, really) and shows couple hook-ups as it fades out with a "mission accomplished" swagger. And I'm thinking, to what end? This formula clearly bred the unhappy couples already portrayed in the movie. Apparently, this incongruity in logic was lost on the group of girls sitting behind me who were moved to tears when Jennifer Aniston's character found the jewel box/holy grail hiding in the pocket of Ben Affleck's cargo pants . Or maybe they were just experiencing the same nauseated feelings I was . . .

OMG! I just realized I'm not perfect (again . . .)

2009-01-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm coming into my 3rd week of my Martha Beck life coach training program and LOVING it. I've heard from a few people who went through the program to be prepared to deal with my own personal shit as it will come up, but I was very cocky about how evolved I have become (ha! ) and was like, well, maybe others will have to deal with their stuff, but not me, no way, I've dealt with it, I'm cool.

From the first week of training, I hit my classmates up for an opportunity to allow me to practice my weight loss coaching tools and skills on them. I was ELATED when seven of them were interested in letting me help them. I am working with them now and I am learning a lot about coaching - and about myself.

I went in very excited to help my courageous classmates face whatever limiting thoughts they might have which is preventing them from maintaining their ideal weight, I am working very hard putting a program together and even harder to making sure I am giving them the personal attention I believe they deserve. In the process, I crossed over from enthusiasm to compulsion (if you've followed my blog, you'll know this is a theme with me). Luckily, I have tools to deal with this situation and I'm learning (just now) that I'm never going to "arrive" at some ideal version of who I think I'm supposed to be: a person free of issues. I realize this isn't an earth-shattering revelation and, intellectually, I had no problems recognizing this truth, but my thoughts about it were a different story.

So, I'm conducting this class on weight loss and I realize I am not practicing what I'm preaching: I'm letting a lot of time pass before I eat, therefore making myself very hungry before my next meal, I was unconsciously eating (ironically, while I was on my laptop writing about being mindful when we eat . . .) and I was generally putting my needs last on my own priority list - this is definitely bad - oh, and judging myself. Then I start thinking, oh no! my classmates and my clients are going to discover that I am a hypocrite, a fraud and that what I'm teaching doesn't really work at all, because check me out, I'm totally falling apart right before the world's eyes. So there it is, I was coming face to face with the shit I so arrogantly denied I owned. I started thinking that in order to coach others well, my life had to be perfect, and, of course, my life isn't perfect. I had just forgotten that I was training to be a life coach, not a robot. I had also forgotten that I am - and will always be - a work in progress, continually growing (which comes about by being challenged) and continually learning.

Good news, I did not fall apart. Better news, I located the thought that was causing me a lot of grief and it was time to shut it down and I knew that was well under my control. Yup, it was time to get out my The Work in Progress (you can learn more about The Work here) document and do my thing. Here's how it went down:

My original stress-producing thought: I can’t be an effective and helpful coach when I am struggling with my own issues.

Is this true: No

When I think this thought I feel: tight all over, limited, sad, like a fraud, secretive, imprisoned

Without this thought I feel: free, light, real, connected, helpful, empowered

Turnarounds to the original thought:

I can’t be effective and helpful with my own issues when I am struggling to be an effective and helpful coach.

This feels truer. Here's why:

by focusing on others and their challenges without paying attention to what that brings up for me, I am being inauthentic and ultimately not as effective or helpful a coach as I can be.
I would be better off just allowing myself to be effective and helpful rather than struggling to be anything.
If I’m going to “live it to give it” I need to be focused on ridding myself of my limiting beliefs if I'm going to help others rid themselves of their limiting beliefs.
My goal is to help my clients, whether they approve of me is none of my business
In order to help my clients, I need to first clean up my thoughts about what my role as a life coach is – and I know it’s not to be an unrealistic model of perfection.

I can be an effective and helpful coach when I am struggling with my own issues.

This feels truer. Here's why:

I’m human. I’m going to have issues. I had better deal with them, even if I have to struggle a bit.
My experiences and practice working through my challenges will give me valuable insight and knowledge when working with my clients
It’s when I don’t admit I’m struggling with my own issues that I risk not being effective and helpful
The more I struggle with and solve my own issues, the more evidence I have to help my clients see they are capable of the same results.

After I worked on that thought, I read what my main man Eckhart Tolle had to say about it in the The New Earth:

You become most powerful in whatever you do if the action is performed for its own sake rather than as a means to protect, enhance or conform to your role identity. . . .Give up defining yourself--to yourself and others . . . Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as a field of conscious Presence.

So concerning myself with how I come off as a coach is a colossal waste of time and energy and serves no one. What does matter is that I am pure and honest in my intent to help others with the skills and talents I do possess and that I show up for them as a person first. I may have to remind myself to dis-identify from my role again (maybe many times), but as with anything worth doing well (not perfectly), the more I practice, the better I will become at it.

It never ceases to amaze me how powerful thought dissolution work is. I am so grateful for this tool!

Just fine!

2009-01-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

I was listening to my ultra favorite song of the moment Just Fine by Mary J. Blige yesterday and resonating with every word she belted out. It's a staple song on my "Feel Good" playlist - I listen to it when doing my resistance training. I often start dancing spontaneously during my workouts and this song ALWAYS makes me want to bust a move!

I had a fabulous week - here are just a few highlights . . .

- I'm on week 8 (the final week) of my self-directed MBSR program and the most valuable thing I have learned is that the benefits of investing the time and energy to practice meditation daily for 45 minutes far outweigh the consequences of NOT investing that time and energy. Everything is just so much better: I think more clearly, I'm far more patient, more focused, more present, more connected, I am not easily bothered or frustrated, I feel more compassionate and I'm just plain happier. I get all that for the price of 45 minutes of stillness a day, that's a hell of a bargain. I plan to continue this practice indefinitely with a baseline practice of 20 minutes of meditation a day, up to 45 minutes a day.

- I started my Martha Beck life coach certification training this week. If I had any doubts before about becoming a life coach and helping people design the best life they can possibly imagine for themselves and then execute it (I didn't) I now know for sure this is exactly what I need to be doing. I'm getting to know my classmates and, already, I am inspired and energized by them. If you've never been around "your people" (people who share your energy, interests and even your life's "calling") I encourage you to drop everything and go seek them out and share some space with them, even if it's virtual space! It just feeds your soul. Next week I have my first class with Martha Beck and I can't adequately express how excited I am to be learning from one of the smartest and most insightful people in the field of personal development. I am really looking forward to that!

- Also, I finally stepped up and decided to help my eldest daughter (in kindergarten) with her homework. As I may have shared in previous posts, I hate doing things FOR people, but love doing things that HELP people. Until tonight I saw my daughter's homework as work I did for my daughter (projects that required heavy parental involvement like making trips to the arts and crafts store, choosing and purchasing supplies and pulling images and/or info off the web, printing it, etc . . . btw, I really, really don't like doing arts and crafts, so there is that factor, too). After being notified by my daughter's teacher that she needs some major help with her writing skills, I decided it may be a good idea to give this homework thing another shot. I was surprised to find myself getting into it, I actually really enjoyed helping my girl learn how to write! As I watched her trace with focus and determination the numbers I outlined for her, I understood: I wasn't doing anything for her, I was helping her do something for herself, I was helping her with a skill she would use for the rest of her life, one of many essential skills she will learn that will allow her to pursue whatever dream she is called to follow. That's pretty important. Now, I'm still cringing about the upcoming shoebox I must procure and decorate for the class valentine's day party and the cards I need to purchase and address to each of her classmates . . . but maybe I can outline the names for her to trace and, because of this and continued help, next year she'll be addressing cards to her first grade classmates confidently, all by herself.

Tomorrow we remember a great leader and teacher. I found a quote by Dr. King that speaks perfectly to the theme of why I found my week so satisfying. I am all at once inspired, motivated and humbled by his words:

All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence.

I am constantly engaged in the work of uplifting and bettering myself, because I believe my Highest Calling is to serve a purpose that reaches far beyond myself by using whatever skills and talents I have been given and encouraged to develop. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of family and friends (old and new) and access to teachers who want little more than to bring out the best in their students, so they can help others do the same and those others will go on to bring the best they have to offer to their life's work (whether it's finding a cure for a life threatening illness, creating works of art or raising happy healthy children - all worthwhile, important endeavors), when one person does well, we all do well. We are connected like that. Plus, it feels really good to do what you love and to love what you do!

And on that note, here's my girl Mary J. to sum up my thoughts and feelings as I wrap up this super great week:

Feels so good when you're doing all the things that you want to do

Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new

Keep your head up high

In yourself, believe in you, believe in me

Having a really good time I'm not complaining

and Ima still wear a smile if it's raining

I gotta enjoy myself regardless

I appreciate life

I'm so glad that it's mine

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me

When I'm walking past the mirror

Ain't worried about you and what you're gonna do

I'm a lady and so I must stay classy

Gotta keep it hot, keep it together if I want to get better

See I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine . . .

My dirty little thought . . .

2009-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

This is my first post for the new year, so Happy New Year everybody!

I'd like to say that I started off the new year strong and full of vim and vigor. The truth is, I have been feeling physically off starting around mid-December. Currently, I am dealing with an Irritable Bowel Syndrome (aka IBS, a kind of a waste-basket diagnosis, if you ask me: all symptoms and no perceptible cause) flare-up, a weird rash I believe may be hives and a possible iron deficiency. Suffice it to say, I'm not life of the party material in my present state. The worst part is my mind started conjuring worst case scenarios on my situation, and that is never a good thing. I started looking up all the things that could possibly be wrong with me and then researched further how a gazillion people recommend a gazillion different ways to fix whatever thing I think is wrong with me. All this thinking and researching just ended up making me feel like something is wrong with me, and that quickly progressed into something is always going to be wrong with me and in it's final version my mind decided that I will always have health problems. And that is the real problem, buying in to negative thoughts - it always is, 110% of the time.

Thankfully, I have learned some pretty kick-ass tools to put me right again. The first one I reach for is Byron Katie's The Work. As soon as I realized I was getting all woes me I broke out my ongoing The Work document and, well, got to work answering the four questions and the turn-arounds. I thought I'd post my results here, so you can see how this unfolds:

My thought: I am always going to have health problems.

Question #1: Is this true? no

Q#2: How do you feel when you think this thought? I feel a knot in my stomach, tense around my shoulders, tight all over, anxious, wound-up

Q#3: Who would you be without this thought? I am more relaxed, able to think more clearly, stronger, more open

Turn-arounds to my original thought:

My health problems are always going to have me.

- this feels truer than my original thought. as long as I let the state of my health dictate my feelings, my health in general is controlling me.

- I get to decide what I focus on and if I choose to focus on my health and it happens to not be optimal at the time, I am choosing to focus on what isn’t right which is miniscule compared to what is right with my health.

- My health is only one aspect of who I am and deserves attention, a good portion of it, but not all of it, esp when my thoughts about it are negative.

- My health status doesn’t exist without ME. I can choose to focus on my health, but my health status depends on my interpretation.

- My health can’t exist outside of me.

I am always going to have health solutions.

This feels truer than my original thought.

- When a challenge comes up, I will eventually find a solution to it, even if it means the solution is to co-exist with the issue peacefully and without resistance.

- Once I start looking for solutions, instead of focusing on the problem, I will feel better.

- No problem, or condition (good or bad), is static or lasts forever. Everything is constantly evolving -there is a beginning, middle and end. Even when there is pain, there are gaps of relief, however brief, inherent in the experience.

- by concentrating on the moments of relief and well-being, I strengthen that energy and invite well-being into my situation

- by letting go and listening to my body's wisdom and my inner wisdom, I am allowing healing to occur without straining and striving.

Whewww . . . glad I purged that little troublemaker from my brain! It is really amazing how these four simple questions and turn-arounds help to slow down my thinking and question the validity of any thought causing me to suffer. Left unchallenged, they run amok and leave me feeling helpless and hopeless, and, I ask you, who needs THAT?!!! This is what I do whenever I start to feel crappy emotionally, which, I'm happy to report, is not very often - there is always a disconnect between the truth and the painful thought I'm thinking. The only way to resolve this, is to dissolve the thought. Now, I may only have to do this process once or several to a dozen or more times depending on the thought, but I know this for sure: with each iteration of The Work, the thought grows weaker and weaker, until, poof! it's gone. Then I do the happy dance and get on with my life.

At this very moment I am free from the itch of the hives, the bloating and cramping of IBS, weakness from general fatigue and, most importantly, my dirty little thought (a lie) that I am somehow more unhealthy than healthy. This is a HUGE improvement from how I felt a scant hour ago and I'll know how to approach my thoughts should they veer to the dark side while I figure out (not worry and complain about!) what the heck is going on with my bod.

Favorite Quotes

2008-12-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

Below is a sampling of my favorite quotes - some have inspired me to action, some remind me how universal and timeless the shared experiences of life are and all resonate deeply with what I know to be true.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. – Albert Einstein

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. – Henry David Thoreau

Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit. - Hosea Ballou

Things and conditions can give you pleasure, but they cannot give you joy. Nothing can give you joy . . .It is your natural state, not something that you need to work hard for or struggle to attain. – Eckhart Tolle

Worry is thought that pretends to be important and necessary. – Eckhart Tolle

Don’t believe everything you think. – bumper sticker

In life, pain may be mandatory, but suffering is optional. – Unknown

The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new. – Pema Chodron

If you are constantly striving, you are never arriving – Unknown

Be the change you want to see in the world. – Ghandi

There is more to life than increasing its speed. – Ghandi

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Lao Tzu

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving. - Lao Tzu

At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. - Lao Tzu

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become. – Buddha

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you. - Jesus

What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul? - Jesus

For every nine people who denounce innovation, only one will encourage it . . . for every nine people who do things the way they have always been done, only one will wonder if there is a better way. For every nine people who stand in front of a locked door, only one will ever come around and check the back door. Our progress as a species rests squarely on the shoulders of that tenth person. The nine are satisfied with things they are told are valuable. Person 10 determines for himself what has value.– Za Rinpoche and Ashley Nebelsieck

The quality, not the longevity, of one’s life is what is important. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you really want something, it makes you feel physically stronger. . . .and if you think you want it but you don't really want it, it makes you feel physically weaker. – Martha Beck

Individual achievement is not really individual at all. Our talents begin in the Divine, develop with the love and support of others, and only in the end express through us. – Joan Bunning

Me, My (80 year old) self and I

2008-12-09T16:21:00.000-08:00

In case I confused anyone with my "nobody puts baby in a corner" reference - it's a line from Dirty Dancing. It cracks me up. You can see the original clip from from Dirty Dancing here.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner . . .

2008-12-05T14:07:00.000-08:00

"Growth, Shmowth, I wanna have some fun!" This is what my inner all play voice was shouting at me while I lay on the floor settling into my 6am body scan meditation practice yesterday. My all work voice was like, "Quiet! Can't you see we're trying to do some very important spiritual work here?" My all play voice responded with a raspberry. In the end, I finally listened to what my all play self was trying to tell me - I had no choice, really, since I was being totally still (and mostly mindful) - it was saying, "put your party pants on, mama, we're going OUT and we're gonna shake-it-like-a-polaroid-picture."

Basically, my all play self was tired of all the attention I was giving to the study of my spiritual growth: the books I'm reading, the discussions I have about it, the CDs I listen to and the intense meditation practice I have adopted. I enjoy all of these things very much. However, I also like to go and blow it out once in a while, too. That's just a part of my makeup. I think that's part of everyone's makeup. I believe the word for this is "balance". Ironically, I was studying all this wonderful spiritual and personal growth material, but not putting it into practice fully. After all, this is supposed to be about me discovering my joy and being me totally and completely! I'm not saying I'm unhappy, not by a long shot, but I was getting a bit severe in my pursuit - I think I've mentioned (ad nauseum) that I have a tendency to focus my attention on my pursuits with laser-like precision. My funmeister self thinks this is sick and wrong, especially when I don't put all that I've learned to good use, say, in a club somewhere with friends laughing and dancing my butt off. My all work self is appalled by this idea and thinks we should sit in meditation for an additional 30 minutes a day and read another book to boot.

Good news for my all play self. It wasn't even 10am when a friend of mine invited me to go out with her Friday night. Sweet. I also took a break and went shopping yesterday, not for gifts (though I did pick one up), but for me! It's been a while since I've shopped for just me - I've purchased one article of new clothing for myself in the past year. I should mention that I'm not a big fan of shopping, but still . . .Before I went shopping, I took it upon myself to do a 15 minute loving-kindness meditation that not only appeased my all work self, but also put me in a fantastic mood. I had a fabulous shopping experience. I also got a new pair of jeans, a dress and a shirt for under $80 (and, yes, it's decent stuff)!

So now I'm about to go get ready to my all play self's delight and get down to the serious business of gettin' down :-)

I'm not sure what wise person said it, but it's so true, "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." I don't know who this Jack person is but I hope he gets out soon and makes his situation right!

Woohoo! I'm Elite - well, sort of . . .

2008-12-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

I had my second visit with a registered dietician (RD) today. I was excited to find out that I fall under the category of "elite athlete" - my ego liked the sound of that, but then I imagined my master's swim coach laughing his ass off if he heard me described as such and then putting me in the actual lane with the actual elite swimmers in our club. Humbling. Okay, let me rephrase, NUTRITIONALLY speaking I am categorized as an elite athlete. Apparently, this means I need to be eating way more carbohydrates than I am currently. I am not opposed to this. Upon learning this, I started thinking about that pumpkin pecan pie I made for Thanksgiving, half of which is sitting in the freezer awaiting its encore after christmas dinner. Then my RD suggested I up my fruit intake to get my recommended daily carb requirement - is pumpkin a fruit or a veg?

My Rd figured that my daily caloric need is, at a bare minimum, 1600, and, she says, probably closer to 2000 calories a day. I'm still finding that hard to swallow (sorry, couldn't resist . . .). I'm 5'1" and 115 lbs - 2000 calories sounds like a lot of food to me. I seriously thought I required closer to 1500 calories a day. I told her I wasn't interested in gaining weight and she assured me 2000 cals/day would maintain my weight. The online calorie calculator from the Mayo clinic site, concurs with her findings. She also addressed the recent weight I gained/lost (the 5 lbs I talked about in earlier posts) and she thinks I may have been "spilling". I thought maybe this was her way of describing the phenomenon that occurs when excess abdominal tissue erupts over the waist band of one's very snug jeans, but I was wrong. Spilling occurs when the body, experiencing a carb deficit , signals the brain to eat more carbs. Lots more. Right now! This can result in weight gain (mostly from water which the carbs absorb like a sponge, and leave the body feeling sponge-like as well: squishy and bloated). Marathon runners do something similar, intentionally, in preparation for a race --before they have a chance to get depleted-- it's referred to as carbo-loading (aka a typical meal at Buca di Beppo).

So, I wondered, was my recent weight gain caused by emotional eating or my body's carb-spilling program? Perhaps my body took advantage of my emotional triggers to carb up (my last compulsive eat did involve chips, see my Trigger Happy post)? I don't really know. But I do know that, weight gain or no, my emotional eating was an issue that needed to be addressed. I believe any consistent compulsive behavior is worth investigating as it is most likely a cover up for a toxic thought one erroneously and unquestioningly believes. There were enough times in the past when I ate past fullness, pursued sexual relationships for the intense, but fleeting pleasure they provided and cleaned the house frantically when it was already so clean you could eat off the floor (I would not advise eating off my floors these days). Beneath all those distractions was a false thought causing me to suffer unnecessarily. Once I undid the thought, the compulsive behavior stopped - there simply was nothing left to cover up. And just like weight maintenance, there is also thought maintenance. Exercise and proper nutrition for the body, and questioning and dissolving destructive thoughts for the mind. That's pretty much the maintenance program I'm following right now and the one I will continue to follow for as long as I desire peace and authentic joy.

Day 3 of MBSR program

2008-11-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

There's a common perception among folks that meditation is all about relaxing and feeling like a koala bear blissed-out on eucalyptus leaves. Meditation is like that. Except when it's not.

When I performed the body scan meditation on days 1 and 2, I felt like I was indulging in some sort of spa treatment, it was pleasurable and relaxing. I also had the luxury of sleeping in until 8am on both days (thanks to the generous support of my slumbering children) - that extra sleep is a treat in itself. Today was different. I woke at 6am (after getting to bed at midnight, oops . . .) and I was not feeling the spa vibe. Instead, I was feeling restless, uncomfortable and, a couple of times, downright panicky. I took the opportunity to just be with my feelings, however, and discovered that by focusing all of my attention on the feeling, I actually transcended it. I'd like to say that once I did that, I was fine and found myself enjoying spa time again, but the feelings kept revisiting me so I kept feeling them all the way through and transcending them.

What I found interesting about the experience I had this morning was how similar it was to times I'd want to overeat in the past. When I got the need to overfeed, I would be filled with anxiety thinking that if I didn't give in to the impulse, some unimaginably horrible consequence would transpire. When I took the time to pause and feel whatever I was feeling all the way through, I discovered I was partially right: the consequence was unimaginable. It was unimaginable because there was no convincing evidence to support it - even my imagination was at a loss. The worst part about the feeling was the anticipation that some (truly) unimaginable thing would happen. Nothing happened. I learned that it was just a feeling and all feelings are finite. This is very good news. So, today as I thought, "Oh my God, I feel like I am going to go crazy if I lie here in this fixed position on the floor concentrating on my knee for one more second!" but then I commenced feeling that feeling all the way through, to see if, in fact, I would succumb to madness. Not only did my sanity remain in tact, but the feeling passed and I continued to focus on various parts of my body, and, even though I was visited by the insanity thought a couple times more during the rest of my practice, I found they dissolved as soon as I gave the feeling all of my attention.

I do notice a positive difference just in the few days I have been following the program. I am definitely more patient, more focused and more centered. Even today, I noticed that my mind did not wander during my swim workout (which it tends to do), I was completely engaged in each stroke in each moment. Later, when I did my ten minutes of sitting meditation, I found it challenging to settle my mind. I reminded myself that I had carved out this special time to be still, present and attentive, or what I call being truly alive. I refocused my attention on whatever came up in that moment, including my thought, acknowledged it and then let it go. It wasn't necessarily spa-like, but it was deeply satisfying.

And now I've got to get my butt to bed to prepare for day number four . . .

My latest endeavor . . .

2008-11-26T08:15:00.000-08:00

I've committed to doing the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Program for the next eight weeks. I first learned about MBSR during the Mindfulness For Children Workshop (see previous post) I took. There are MBSR classes available where I live, but the next class doesn't start until January and that's when I start my life coach training. Plus, I tend to want to do the next fabulous thing that appeals to me ten minutes ago. Luckily, there is a book which guides the reader through the entire MBSR course. The Book is called Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn. You can read all about MBSR here.

The course entails meditating for a minimum of 45 minutes a day, 6 days a week for the entire 8 weeks. I do have a regular meditation practice ranging from 10-20 minutes a day and I've been on retreats where I've meditated most of the day for an entire weekend, but this is the first time I will meditate for 45 minutes daily consistently for 8 weeks. The meditation taught in the course consists of a body scan technique, yoga and both sitting and walking meditation. I just started my first official day on the program, lucky for me my kids slept in this morning (!) so I was able to start my morning off with the 45 minute guided body scan that I found on the UCSD Center for Mindfulness website (there are other guided meditations on this page, too). My plan is to wake at 6am every morning (unless someone's bleeding, my girls know I'm out of commission until 7am) and do the 45 minute practice then.

How'd it go, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya! It was cool. You basically put your attention on each part of your body, as instructed, and note any sensations (or lack thereof) you feel in that part without judging it. If your mind wanders, you're to bring your focus back to the body part you abandoned to think about, say, School House Rock and how it's too bad they don't show that on tv anymore - that conjunction junction junction song was pretty catchy. . . . I found this practice to be simple, not easy.

I was lying on the floor with only an oriental area rug between my sacrum and tile as a cushion. That was uncomfy. I'll have to tweak that situation a bit for tomorrow. . . when I finished the practice, I noticed how heady I felt, my body felt both light and substantial at the same time. It definitely put me in a good, clean space energetically - it's hard to imagine being cranky after that, so I suspect this is going to be a fantastic way to start my day. It is mid afternoon now, and I have felt very patient, light and calm all day. I may be projecting here, but my kids seem calmer, too. Not only that, buy my eldest actually passed up watching her favorite tv show because she wanted to help me wipe the dining table clean and vacuum the play room first (WHAT?!!). Now is the part in my blog where a bird lights on my finger and I break out into a mellifluous melody, wearing a gown that's excellent for twirling in . . . . I'm definitely riding this train out to it's final eight week destination!

Now, according to the program, I need to practice sitting meditation for ten minutes sometime before the day is over. I'll post my progress over the next 8 weeks.

Mindfulness, it's not just for grown-ups!

2008-11-20T14:50:00.000-08:00

One of my missions in life is to teach my daughters how not to be ruled by their thoughts - I really wish this sort of training was available when I was a tot (I suppose it was - in Tibet . . .). As it were, I spent the better part of my life either thinking about how things could have been better, how things were better or hoping the future will somehow be even better. I was completely unaware of the present moment and completely oblivious to the fact that I totally identified with pretty much every thought I had (I especially gravitated to the hyper-critical thoughts of myself that provided excellent fuel for my perfectionist tendencies). It has been said that the mind makes an excellent servant, but a lousy master. I agree 100%.

Naturally, I want to teach my children to be masters of their own mind. I'm still not absolutely clear at what age the cognitive shift happens for children to understand the concept that they are "the watcher of their thoughts", but I witnessed my 5 y.o. become the watcher of her own thoughts last night. To say I was elated, is putting it mildly. Here's what happened.

For about a month now, I've been teaching various age-appropriate mindful awareness tools to my 3 and 5 y.o. I learned many tools from some videos I watched where teachers from the organization Inner Kids were demonstrating how to use these tools (I was also lucky enough to attend one of their workshops recently - it was awesome) . Unfortunately, when my 5 y.o. loses a game we're playing, she also tends to lose her mind. Last night was no exception. The girls and I were playing a nice friendly game of Hi-Ho Cherry-Oh when my 5 y.o. came in last. The tears and hysterics commenced. I quickly grabbed a sno-globe and shook it up and said, "honey, you're mind is like this right now" - both girls actually knew the drill for this tool I was using and they put their hands on their bellies to test, if by breathing slowly and deeply, they can cause the snow in the globe to settle down. My 5 y.o. was still crying, and my 3 y.o. appeared to be taking the exercise in a new direction and hyperventilating (but, hey, they gave it a go). What happened next took my breath away (no, I wasn't hyperventilating) - my daugther looked at me and said, "do what I'm doing." And she forced a fake cry and I could see a smile emerging on her tear stained face. She wanted me to mimic her. It's something we do when the kids are throwing down a tantrum - sort of a if you can't beat 'em, join 'em thing. So I did, I copied every grimace, fist pound, foot stomp she did and the hysterics morphed into hysterical laughter. The magic of what happened here is that she was able to see that her behavior was a reaction to her thoughts of, I'm guessing, "I lost--> that's bad-->that makes me sad/mad-->I must react by crying" and she was cognizant enough to see that she could choose her reaction to the thought. So, now, her thought probably went more like: "I lost --> that's bad -->that makes me sad???, hey wait, Mom does that thing when I get like this that actually makes me laugh - that's more fun - lemme see if I can get her do it!"

I have never seen my child switch gears like that, on her own, before. It was a beautiful thing. Now, I've pretty much always known I was never destined to earn a Ph.D. in home economics, and I'd rather have dental work performed on me than sit and do arts and crafts, but I do know this: I am totally equipped to teach my children how to be mindful and help guide them in the direction of their happiness. Next to loving them unconditionally, I honestly can't think of anything I could do that is more important (or rewarding) than that.

I read this insightful chant today (adapted from the Navajo Indian Beauty Way chant):

There is beauty before me, there is beauty behind me

There is beauty to my left, there is beauty to my right

There is beauty above me, there is beauty below me

There is beauty around me, there is beauty within me

I take from this that even when it isn't excruciatingly obvious, there is beauty in all things and in every moment - it comes down to what we choose to see. Take a paper cut, for example: we can curse the pain, or marvel at how the body immediately starts repairing the wound with no conscious effort on our part. The circumstance remains the same, just our perception has shifted and that makes all the difference.

My fabulous week!

2008-11-19T15:34:00.000-08:00

Trigger Happy . . .

2008-11-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

I'm discovering that my parents are fantastic for my spiritual growth, whenever I'm around them I just want to eat and eat and eat . . . and, good news, my mom often brings plenty of high calorie, sugar-filled food with her when she visits (she likes to feed people until they're uncomfortably full and if they're overweight, she likes to point that out and suggest they do something about it - she often appears confused and hurt when that person gives her the finger). So, I get to fill my pie hole and my emotional holes all at once. It's very efficient. Ram Dass has been quoted as saying "if you think you are so enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents". Well, I have a good stretch to travel before I reach enlightenment, but I'm so down with that comment.

My parents came over to visit two days in a row, which I am happy they can do - my girls are crazy about them. However, I do find myself behaving in ways that defy logic and what I consider developmentally appropriate for my age. Yesterday, for example, I was showing my dad a video of me on the aerial hoop. My dad was talking about some distant relative's kids (whom he's never met) while on the video I'm hanging upside down and contorting myself on a ring suspended from a ceiling. His only comment to me was "did that hurt your feet?" Now, to his face, I was all nonchalant and cool. Inside I was like, "hey, Dad, look at me! What do you think of what I just did right there? hey - watch better! Daddy!" A few moments later, I'm fully engaged in a feeding frenzy involving a tortilla chips and a tub of hummus. Coincidence? I think not. I was really pissed, too. Up until that point, I had managed to scale back my calories, be totally present and aware while I did it, faced down other triggers when they came up, but the moment my parents are on the scene I'm like the cookie monster devouring everything from cookies to the letter of the day. This is consistent. My parents are the mother (and father) of all emotional/thought triggers.

I see only two options in dealing with this situation: I can (a) sequester myself from my parents forever or (b) uncover, question and annihilate the negative thoughts that come up when I'm around my parents. Since I'm fairly certain that those same thoughts will resurface whether I share space with my parents or not, I'm really only left with option (b).

So, clearly, I have some thought dissolving work to do there. And I've started. The first thought I'm questioning is "my dad should be interested in my passions." I figured out that was the thought underlying my pissed-off, sad feelings. Of course, he should not be interested. That's why it's my passion, not his. I'm not really interested in his passion for deep sea fishing, which is also fine. Neither one of us enjoy our hobbies to please anyone but ourselves - if I were playing on a hoop, pole, trapeze - whatever - to please Daddy (or anyone for that matter) it would stop being fun, soul nourishment and start becoming a chore, a drag, toxic. So my original thought (which I probably have been thinking in some form or other since I was a child) was very damaging and completely useless, not to mention totally untrue. I felt much better after clearing that up with myself. The Work is an essential tool I use to catch and unwind any renegade negative thoughts that occasionally (and less frequently now, thank God!) attempt to hijack my mind.

When my folks came by today, I actually got excited about how they might push my buttons and make me want to intravenously inject rocky road ice cream into my body. Before they stepped foot into the house, I prepped by taking several deep breaths and telling myself to be very aware and alert to my feelings and, more importantly, to my thoughts as I engaged with my parents. Wouldn't you know? they failed to trigger my need to feed. Nothing. I enjoyed a sensible meal (frenzy-free) with them and the rest of my family, and even when my mom tried to sneak a jar of cookies into my pantry before she left, I was able to give them back to her without creating a scene (on my part, anyway). It was probably one of the most relaxing visits I've had with them in a long time. Oh yeah, and my dad asked me how to call up my hoop video on youtube, it turns out he was searching youtube for my videos last night to show my mom. So much for all the mental gymnastics my mind performed about whether Dad is interested in my hobbies or not. Still, it's irrelevant whether he is interested or not, because it's the story that I told myself about what his lack of interest meant to me that caused me so much suffering.

I do realize that the level of presence I choose to have with my parents (or any person or situation) is a choice I have to make over and over again. I'm sure I'll forget to choose that level of mindfulness at times, it's just nice to know it's always available to me and my waistline.

Why I like the pole . . .

2008-11-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

You can check out some clips of me actually on the pole and hoop here.

Obama, my diet, my challenges

2008-11-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on Election Day

2008-11-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

Many of my friends and people I talk to are anxious about the outcome of this year's election. I, personally, have not been this excited over an election since 1860 - I still have my Lincoln bumper sticker, those were crazy times! I just want to say that whoever your candidate of choice is, consider this strategy for getting your guy into the highest office of the land: Be FOR your candidate and not AGAINST the opponent. What's the difference? Focus. The law of attraction says you bring about what you think about, that thoughts carry energy and whether your focus is positive or negative, the object of your thought gets fed by that energy. Another way to put it is "what you resist persists". Mother Theresa once said, " I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there." If this concept and example sounds mildly or wildly familiar, it's because I totally lifted it from The Secret. I just really feel like it bears repeating.

My own personal example, and perhaps a minority of you can relate, is if I put something off-limits (like when I have banned a food item from my diet, to get to my goal weight), I have a tendency to think about or pine after that thing like mad. The item, say, chocolate cake, that was once an item in the periphery of my mind, now occupies a much larger part of cerebral real estate until I am convinced I must not only have one small piece of cake at the next opportunity, but that I should probably just eat the better part of the whole thing. (That has actually happened to me, but that episode deserves it's very own blog entry, dontcha think?)

So here's my point: if you really want Obama to win, but you're focused on McCain losing (or vice versa) you may end up eating the whole cake (and regretting it afterwards) instead of enjoying your goal weight. A popular speculation among those who understand the law of attraction is that our current president won, not because he was wildly popular among voters, but because more people desired his loss of the election than his opponent's victory. If you've never given this law of attraction thing a go, go on and give it a try now. It won't cost you anything, it will give your physical ballot a boost and you may wake up tomorrow to find that it was well worth the small, but profound, shift in thinking.

Weight loss/gain/loss. . .

2008-11-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

So I managed to drop 4 dress sizes over the span of, like, two months (and, get this) I wasn't even trying! I know, some of you are thinking, "ooh, I hope she shares her diet secret - I, too, want to drop large amounts of weight in the least amount of time". So here's the secret: I stopped eating. BTW, I don't recommend - in any way, shape or form - this approach to weight loss. A lot was going on in my life, both exciting and sad (like discovering that I was young, healthy and deserving of happiness but also seeing my marriage round it's final laps), that led me to completely lose my appetite. For whatever reason, when I'm super stressed I stop eating. Mild stress is a totally different story - more on that later.

So now I'm a thinner version of myself and people are noticing and giving me all this positive attention. For about a year I thought I was super special because I had this rockin' bod. A bod I got without trying to get. Then I heard the voice in my head say, a whisper at first, "what happens when you start eating again?" (Note: If when I mention "voice in the head" and you start thinking "what voice in the head? she must be insane or something, who hears voices in their head?" that thought you just had is comparable to the voice in my head) The whispers grew louder until one day I was completely obsessed with staying thin.

Okay, this is a good place to mention that I'm a compulsive person. I've indulged in all the following compulsions (this is not an exhaustive list, people, and in no particular order): eating, sex, fussing over my hair, researching pediatric sleep, shaping my eyebrows to open up my eye, eating, fussing over my general appearance, exercising, cleaning, dancing, "being spiritual", practicing bulimia, annoying people with my political activism, jockeying for social status, bullet-proofing my health, doing any kind of research, worrying over my grades, worrying over my job performance, worrying over my sexual performance, eating, opening my shoulders for a better backbend, practicing stellar housewifery skills, eating . . . I don't mention these things because I am proud of my behavior (although, you have to admit, that is a pretty impressive list of things most people would rather lose a limb over than disclose), but because they have played a pivotal role in my spiritual development. I'm happy to report that I'm over all of those compulsions. Except one.

I am currently studying to get my license to be a sex worker - just kidding. No, my spiritual teacher of the moment is eating. For good reason, too, I think. It's something I must do everyday, multiple times a day, in fact, and I'm given an opportunity at each meal or snack to investigate what feelings and thoughts come up for me, thereby releasing my need for any compulsive or self destructive behavior (i.e. indulging in more food than my body needs). I have heard this process described as simple, but not easy. I concur.

Recently, I have gained 5 lbs - not dramatic, but noticeable on my 5'1" frame, especially to my favorite pair of skinny jeans. Now, my identity of "special super fit girl" is totally threatened and my ego (aka "voice in the head") is completely freaking out. Six months ago, this would have convinced me that I needed to get on the The Biggest Loser or otherwise somehow manage my weight tragedy. The difference between now and then is I've learned some tools to help me dis-identify from my obnoxious ego. I am in the process of losing the excess weight, but my motivation, now, stems from my desire to understand why I'm eating past fullness in the first place, especially when I derive more pleasure by fitting in to my skinny jeans than I do from eating the 4th handful of tortilla chips (considering that I lost both functionality and pleasure with my 2nd handful). My fitness, or it's diminishment, is really a symptom of my relationship with my thoughts. It has little to do with self control, will power or intelligence. This is excellent news, because I didn't so well on my SATs, especially that math portion, blech.

In following posts, I will share these cool tools I am learning to use and incorporating in my life. I will also let you know if they are helping and which ones help the most. You are reading about a work in progress. I'm sure once I take the weight off, maintenance will bring up a whole new whacky set of challenges, but I'm ready. My old thought patterns are tired and prove time and again that they don't serve me or my thighs. I'm ready for something new and improved.

My First Blog Post Ever!

2008-10-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone (or ether out there in the universe somewhere)!

Welcome to my blog and a peek into my quest to understanding what I'm all about. I was inspired to do this blog for the same reason I'm inspired to do just about anything I pursue: I'm impulsive and I don't really think things through. I also thought it would be helpful for me (totally self serving, I know) to divulge all my secrets to the world at large. I find the more honest I am, the happier I am. If that's just a cool coincidence and all this secret-telling is totally unnecessary, I'm really going to be making an ass out of myself over the course of this blog for nothing. So, I choose to believe there is a direct correlation between no secrets and happiness. Let me make clear that I will only be divulging MY secrets, the crazy stuff floating around up in my head - I will fiercely protect the crazy stuff floating around the heads of friends and family, so there will be no gossiping here. Besides, I'm here to talk about me and my very important spiritual quest, that should provide enough gossip fodder for at least 90 seconds.

So here's my first big, huge confession: My life isn't perfect.

Ouch. That hurt. But, yeah, it's totally true. Let me break it down for you by telling you a little about myself . . .

I am a separated stay at home mom of two young children who enjoys swimming, yoga and fitness pole dancing. Wait, there's more . . . I live with my ex (happily and peacefully - we inhabit separate areas of the house, weird? yeah, people have said that before), my life is pretty calm and relatively drama-free, I have very cool friends and I live in a very nice suburb of San Diego. My dress size is 2. Life is swell! So far so good, right? Well, yes, on paper everything is golden, it's when we leave paper and hop into my head where things go pear-shaped (what does that mean anyway?). (WARNING: you are about to enter a very messy and chaotic environment.)

Let's start with my identity. Who the hell am I? I know, I missed the sign up sheet for that trip to Europe (or India or the van down by the river . . .) where throngs of freshly graduated high school students apparently "find" themselves - but, I tell you in all honesty, I am making up for that trip in spades now! In 8th grade I was a punk rock rebel (I looked GOOD in my thrift store granny dresses, ripped fishnets and combat boots), for the first part of high school I was a burgeoning fashionista, then I was a frustrated ballerina, college student (who bullied her way into the English honors program - everyone else in the program was invited, oh the insult), law student (for like 10 minutes), then it's all kinda fuzzy and blurry for about 12 years when things happened like jobs, marriage, kids, house-buying, going organic, not being able to locate my natural waistline and one very pathetic attempt at being a "kool aid" type mom. In February 2007 I believe I experienced what is commonly known as depression. Only mine was a very passive variety. I distinctly remember thinking, "you know if a bus were to come by and strike me down, I'd be okay with that". That was the lowest point in my life. I couldn't even muster a more impressive exit plan. I was depending on a bus that would never pass through my suburban neighborhood to end my suffering. Not long after my bus musings, I saw Oprah talking about The Secret on her show. Now, my blog is not going to be an ode to The Secret, but I did learn about the Law of Attraction through it, immediately applied it and got exactly what I (thought) I wanted. In effect, I managed to manifest some cool material and situational things. More on that later. But one of the things I manifested was my heretofore missing waistline - hello, gorgeous! Along with that phyisical change came attention. Look at me! I'm hot! Woohoo! And, hence, a new "identity" was born and, this, good readers, was just the beginning of my belated spiritual journey, warts and all . . .

I'll finish up on the whole ego trippin' stuff next time. I'll also talk about my past (and current) compulsions - that's a fun one!

BTW, I fashioned the title of my blog from a line in Macbeth:

"Life . . . is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

But I actually never read, saw or wrote Macbeth (though my ego would love to have you think I am some kind of brilliant Shakespearean scholar), I first heard the line in LA Story - I am more familiar with the work of Steve Martin.

Peace out.