My blog has moved . . .

If you are looking for my blog it has moved here (all previous posts can be found there as well, and they are indexed!):

http://emikojaffe.wordpress.com/

If you are looking for my weight coaching website, you can find it here:

http://emikojaffe.com/

Thanks for checking out my blog!

XO

Emiko

Saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to something else

I don't know where I first heard that phrase, but it's one that I feel bears repeating.  Mother's Day got me thinking about how a lot of moms say yes to so many people (children, significant others, employers, friends, total strangers . . .) and they flat out forget to say yes to themselves.  By saying yes too many times to others, I have said no to my own needs and wants.  This often meant neglecting my own self care and well-being (I remember times when the idea of a shower seemed exorbitantly decadent). This made me very cranky, often resentful, and really icky to be around.

The word No is an incredibly powerful ally in allowing you to say yes to your own needs. Because you are so capable, smart and plain fabulous, you are going to be invited to do a myriad of things and help with a variety projects.  Some you'll truly want to do and others you'd rather trade for highly detailed dental work.   Remember they are only invitations, not mandates - you get to choose where you spend your time and energy.  Maybe you truly want to volunteer on your home owners association board, but if doing so means sacrificing your basic needs  (tending to your fitness and health, getting enough sleep, showering . . .) then consider what you're really saying yes to: yes to helping the HOA run meetings and getting contractor bids for the-flowers-lining-the-walkway project, yes to eating poorly, yes to stress  and anxiety due to being pressed for time (because, let's be honest, you're most likely president of the PTA, the go to guy/girl everyone relies on to get things done, the grand poo-bah of your social club and/or you spend the better part of your waking life shuttling  kids -yours and others - back and forth to  no less than twelve activities a week).  Is that working for you?  

What invitations, requests or people can you say no to this week that will allow you to say yes to you?    

I Accept

Accepting does not necessarily mean 'liking,' 'enjoying,' or 'condoning.' I can accept what is—and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance but denial that leaves me stuck.

~ Nathaniel Branden

Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.

~ J.K. Rowling

What I really want to be doing right now is eating up some yards at the pool or practicing some crazy tricks on my pole.  Instead, I'm home in my jammies doing nothing.  I am nursing an injured back muscle that makes it painful to engage in my beloved physical activities.  It's been over two weeks since I've moved in a way that satisfies me. Not only that, but I'm feeling really drained and tired.  

I'm in a really good place to mope and feel sorry for myself.  But that's not really my style.  Nope, if I'm going to protest this injury thing, I'll just get super busy and make my recovery a project.  So I line up my massage therapists, personal trainers, chiropractors, homeopaths and whoever else I think can help me figure out what went wrong and then fix me up.  They all tell me I need to rest and lay off my workouts - shocker, right? While forcefully kneading my body into a pulp,  my massage therapist offered this piece of advice : quit working so hard at recovering so you can actually recover.  That definitely hit home with me.

Resisting the situation at hand --that I'm injured, tired and in need of rest--  means I am fighting with reality and not only is that physically and emotionally draining, but it doesn't yield desired results (I'm still injured, tired and in need of rest).  Forcing recovery by seeing every skilled professional in town and asking them to give me exercises, supplements and treatments to put a rush on the healing process is how I resist my current circumstance. I don't have to like my condition in order to accept it; in fact, when I do accept it I am in a much better place to see the most effective plan of action I must take in order to move forward and achieve the results I ultimately want - to engage in the activities I love at my peak levels and to significantly reduce my risk of injury.   

So I am redirecting my energy to non-doing, I'm accepting my current condition and from there I can better know what steps I must take to make real recovery happen.   When I look at my situation from that place I see that I don't actually want to swim or be on my pole right now.  What I truly want is to recover and, for now, that looks like me being at home in my jammies doing nothing.

Where's the BFF?

A while back I posted a blog about romantic relationships and how damaging I thought it was for people to seek their personal fulfillment in others.  I recently discovered that I was falling for the same trap I ranted on about, only I wasn't pining for a romantic partner, I was pining for a best friend!  Like my romantically longing sisters and brothers, I wondered things like: when will I find that special someone who really "gets me", the girlfriend who will take off with me on a moment's notice for a weekend at the spa, someone who shares my interests and wants to partake in activities I find fascinating and fun, someone who will just love and accept me for who I am , someone who will constantly tell me how amazing, wonderful and fabulous I am . . .?!!!  With the exception of the love and acceptance part, this set up sounds nothing like a friendship and a whole lot more like a desperate salesperson sucking up to a potential customer.  I decided I definitely do not want to be a part of that. 

What I did come to realize is that feeling understood is very important, but asking someone to understand me, my preferences and my quirks - and appreciate them - is not only a tall order, it's impossible to do unless that someone happens to be me.  Ultimately, I'm responsible for feeling understood.  If I don't understand me, I'm in big trouble.  Fortunately, I do get me.  In fact, I spent the better part of the last couple of years trying to figure me out!  So not only am I relieved to know that I get me, I'm grateful that I took the time and made the effort to really know myself, an ongoing process as you can see.  

As for the weekend at the spa, when I get right down to it, I'd rather go by myself.  That's just how I roll (something I learned about myself and now totally "get" about me).  Wanting someone to tell me really positive things about me is just my ego seeking validation from others that I'm a worthwhile human.  But as Eckhart Tolle says human alone is never enough . . .then there is Being (I also refer to it as spirit or soul) . . . human and Being are not separate, but interwoven.  In other words, as long as I believe my worth as a person only comes from my  achievements, favorable situations or possessions (including relationships) I am always going to fall short.  Why? because these things are fleeting (even if they last decades) and ever changing, but the one constant is knowing and loving myself - that which is beyond human.  When I connect to the deeper part of who I really am, not only do I feel totally fulfilled, but my relationships with others become richer, too.

Once I realized this, I realized that pursuing and having a best friend was unnecessary for two reasons: 1) I am the only person capable of making myself feel completely worthy and whole and 2) I have many fabulous friends who are as different from one another as can be, yet they all have one thing in common: they love and accept me for who I am and have no desire to change me in any way.

How cool is it that I get to be friends with this unique combination of people?! Now that I have a more mature understanding of my relationships, I can assume the role of my own BFF and let everyone else off the hook.  I am free to enjoy my friends without the nagging and false belief that I need anything from them (or anyone else) and that allows me to be there, fully connected, with the people I love.  

My Aunt Chizuko

Everyone dies but not everyone lives. ~ A. Sachs

Taken May 2002

I just learned this week that my aunt Chizuko has passed.  As is the case with most of my Japanese relatives, I had infrequent contact with her (she lived in Japan) and knew very little about her.  I'm not quite sure how old she was when she passed (I estimate mid to late 80s) and I don't recall what her married name was.  What I did know about her, though, is that she was one of the coolest people I have ever met.  The first time I met Chizi was when I was around eight years old, she came to the States for her very first (and I believe only) visit and commented (in Japanese - she spoke no English and I understood very little Japanese) on how big and beautiful everything was. My parents took all of us to the Grand Canyon and the whole time she said little else other than Suteki da ne?! (Isn't it beautiful).  I was more impressed with the little bottle of sand she brought me from Mt. Fujiyama - the sand was shaped like stars!  

The last time I visited my aunt was late Spring 2002.  She was healthy, spry and beautiful.  She lived alone (a widow for some years) and never had any children.  I believe she reintroduced me to Natto (fermented soy beans - I just ate some today!) on this trip. She was beyond delighted to see me and my then husband.  She was littler than me, but she gave the biggest, strongest and most yummy hugs. She had this fabulous way of making everyone feel welcome and like you were the very person she wanted to see in that exact moment. I hadn't had any children yet, but had she met them, I'm sure Chizi and my girls would have been mutually smitten.    

My aunt kept two altars in her home: one was a buddhist altar where she chanted once in the morning and once at night and the other was an ancestral altar where she kept photos of family members who had passed and made offerings of tea and rice to their spirits every morning.  My understanding is that these are not uncommon practices in Japan, especially for older generations, but they were unfamiliar to me. She struck me as a very peaceful, happy and centered woman which is remarkable because this side of my family tends to stir up the drama.  I found her approach to life very refreshing and inspiring. She's also the only other family member that I know of (besides me) who practiced yoga. 

My aunt was an accomplished calligrapher. A couple of times a week she taught this art to children ranging from elementary through high school aged students.  She clearly loved this. She loved her home and her neighbors, especially the little three year old girl who showed up every morning at her front door - her mother chasing after her -  shouting up the stairs Obachan! (an affectionate term similar to "granny").  My aunt loved her life and the people she shared it with.  She made people feel calmer and more alive at the same time.  She had great energy.

One of my aunt's calligraphy pieces

You can learn a lot from someone just by observing how much peace and joy they invite into their life.  My Aunt Chizuko was a great teacher to me in this way.  So while I grieve the loss of my aunt and all the visits we can no longer have, I also celebrate a life lived on purpose and a beautiful, free spirit that is bigger than either life or death.  Thank you, Auntie, for sharing your compassion, courage, wisdom and love - you leave with us an amazing legacy.  

My need to achieve

Constantly striving, never arriving ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Okay, I’m back.  So, I took a little break from my blog – it turns out when you add more stuff to an already bustling schedule there is less time to do other stuff . . .like my blog.  But I learned something extremely valuable about myself while I was busily engaged in whatever it was I was busily engaged in (currently I have been on a coaching tear and I'm loving every minute of it!): I learned that I totally worship “busy.”  Specifically, I’m an achievement addict (yes, that compulsive part of me is an insidious and persistent little bugger).  I discovered that when I’m not in the process of achieving something, I’m looking to be in the process of achieving something.  The key concept here is in the process.  Once I achieve something, I get bored and want to move on to achieving something else.  I rarely – if ever- bask in my achievements and if one of my coaching clients skipped this part, I would ask “why aren’t you basking?” Here's just one example (and this need to achieve thing is not limited to my physical accomplishments; it creeps into my parenting, career and friendship arenas as well - it's quite versatile!): between gaining my pole fitness level back to a place where I could perform advanced pole tricks again (after I took the entire winter off) and contemplating how often and for how long I would need to train to be an elite aerial artist (and I’m only half  kidding here, people!), I decided to ask myself “why can’t I just bask in the glow of my re-achieved Death Lay?” The answer to that question was “I must constantly be achieving to be happy” and underneath that little stressful thought was the even more stressful “my achievements protect me from criticism when I choose to be myself”. This is basically comes down to me thinking I am fundamentally lacking as an individual and that my accomplishments make up for that lack. Yuck.  I just had to take that one to Inquiry and here’s the result:

(Some extremely technical notes you may feel free to skip: when I refer to my social self I am referring to the left hemisphere of my brain – which houses the primitive amygdala – this is where fear lives.  When I refer to my essential self I am referring to the right hemisphere of my brain – which involves the neocortex, but I had difficulty locating documentation, so here’s a video of a neuroscientist explaining brain topography in lay terms as she also explains her life-altering stroke which caused her to experience Pure Consciousness, it is FABULOUS – this part of my brain is where I am made aware of my spirit/divine nature/Being/soul and how I know I am whole and perfect underneath my physical existence and circumstances.)

My achievements protect me from criticism when I choose to be myself.

Is this true? Yes      Can I absolutely know this to be true?  No

When I think this thought, I am: wired, anxious, caught up in doing, my chest feels tight, I’m focused on other people (not my business).  I treat myself as if my needs/wants are second to how people may perceive me.

 

Without this thought, I am: freer, lighter, open, unfettered. If I lived my life not thinking this thought, “my people” would find me and recognize me – I would do exactly what I want without the added wastage of time and energy from worrying about stuff I can’t control.  I would take better care of myself and I would do more stuff I truly enjoy.

 

My thoughts protect my achievements from criticism when I choose to be myself. (This turnaround felt more true than my original stressful thought.)

-       my thoughts tell me I must achieve in order to be happy – I don’t have to do anything to be myself

-       I can choose to be myself independent of fear of criticism, yet my mind tells me my achievement is necessary to live critcism-free (such bullshit!)

-       I can’t know when I’m being criticized or praised anyway b/c those judgments live in the minds of others (and is totally none of my business)

-       If I followed my essential self and just went off and did what I genuinely felt like, my social self would tell me I needed to achieve in order to be allowed to do it (the price I must pay for “freedom”)

-       It’s not Me that needs to be defended, my essential self doesn’t care about that, but my social self (ego) is super concerned with appearances and images and feels compelled to add more (achievement) in order to feel worthy.

-       Ultimately, I get to decide whether I choose to believe the critical opinion of others, and my achievements, or lack of, has little to do with that (my thinking tells me b/c I achieve, I’m allowed some credit to do as I please, until the next time I need to rack up more achievement “credit” for the next time I choose to be in alignment with my essential self.).

Does this mean I stop achieving? Hell no!  It just means that I can now achieve whatever I truly, authentically want free from the shackles of thinking that it has to do with anything other than serving the best in me, so I can, in turn, be of genuine service to others.  I'm still working on it, but I now feel I am in a better place to relax into savoring and honoring my achievements for the gems that they are rather than using them as defense shields against unfounded and irrelevant social fears.  That feels mighty liberating.

Revolutionary Road Vs. He's Just Not That Into You

                       VS. 

I saw both of these movies and found each one amazing. One I found amazingly insightful and hopeful, the other I found amazingly depressing and toxic - it's probably not what you think.  Both of these movies teach excellent lessons (though I suspect it wasn't intentional at least on the part of one of them) on what happens when we don't live our authentic lives . . .

I loved Revolutionary Road .  This is an intense film and it certainly isn't everyone's cup of tea.  If I had seen this movie a couple of years ago, it would have scared me to death because at that time, I knew I wasn't living my authentic life (though I wasn't quite sure what that could possibly mean for me at the time).  On its surface this movie is about a young upper middle class couple settling in the suburbs and falling into a life that can best be described as what Henry David Thoreau calls  "a life of quiet desperation".  I suspect for many, the focus of the movie is the relationship between the main characters - the focus for me were the individual choices the main characters were faced with: the well-worn path that, for them, spelled an unfulfilled life and  the road less travelled, but, authentic,  that proved to liberate them even when they were merely thinking about their new choice.   Of course, the relationship, being comprised of the two featured individuals, is severely affected by these choices. 

As for He's Just Not That Into You (HJNTIY), this movie epitomizes the well-worn path that lead people (like the main characters in Revolutionary Road in the end) into the "quiet desperation" quandry they can sometimes find themselves in.  The basic assumption of HJNTIY is that everyone (especially women) needs to find a romantic partner and get (and stay) married in order to find and/or experience happiness.  It also assumes that most women are psychotic, or at least neurotic, individuals (and the movie makes women look like gross caricatures of actual women) who justifiably spend the better part of their waking hours searching for someone who will consent to marrying them and if they are "fortunate" enough to capture a spouse, they then reallocate their time to clinging to/saving the marriage one or both parties felt coerced into.  Yikes!  

What Revolutionary Road shows us is that we decide what makes us happy.  This is fabulously illustrated when the main character's - who at the beginning of the movie feel distraught, depressed and troubled - decide to take the road less travelled: they decide to break from the pack and leave the comforts and perceived certainty of their suburban existence to follow their passions and whatever adventures they experience in that pursuit (much to the horror and consternation of their disapproving peers).  The crucial element here is that once they made the decision to move toward their happiness, THEY became happier - nothing changed on the outside (they still lived in suburbia, the husband still worked at the job he loathed and the wife continued performing the domestic duties she hated - except, now, these things no longer bothered them).  The only difference is that they had changed their thinking: they no longer thought of themselves as trapped individuals in a helpless and hopeless situation, they now thought of themselves as the individuals capable of living a more authentic lives and that made living the life they had not only bearable, but satisfying (incidentally, this improved their relationship exponentially).  They, of course, don't recognize the real reason for their happiness - their ability to control their thoughts and feelings (I guess they didn't have life coaches back in the 60's? lol) - and so were susceptible to slipping back to their old feelings of helplessness and hopelessness as their situation changed and this is exactly what happens.  

The husband gets an unexpected promotion after he flippantly proposes a carelessly conceived idea to the corporate offices while in his newfound "I don't give a shit, I'm moving to Paris, baby!" attitude (he finds this ironic) and starts getting cold feet about Paris.  He is once again seduced by the elusive promise of happiness coming from material success and its trappings - the very things he was so eager to get away from.  Then the wife gets pregnant, unexpectedly, and this increases the husband's "evidence" for needing to stay in suburbia in a job he loathes and forfeiting their dream to move to Paris.  The wife lobbies hard to honor their Paris plans, but submits and resigns herself to staying after they have an ugly knock-down-drag-out fight.  During this fight (or was it before?) the husband says "we don't have to move to Paris to be happy, we can be happy here." And he's right, BUT, unfortunately, they choose to believe their circumstances dictate their level of happiness.  It's important to reiterate that nothing in their life had changed when they were blissfully happy for a few months, only that their thinking caused them to experience a better feeling state which then translated into a perceived better life and happiness.  The converse is true as well, nothing changes, in fact something considered positive by most people happens (the husband gets a raise and promotion), but they choose to believe that now they have chosen to abandon their dream of moving to Paris, and so they must also abandon the positive feelings that went along with the thought and anticipation of moving to Paris.  They erroneously believe their circumstances dictate their happiness, they erroneously believed it was Paris they wanted, but what they really wanted is the feeling state they created when they thought about Paris.  This movie could just as easily have ended in an authentic (not hollywood style) happily ever after instead of ending as tragically as it did.  This is what I love about the movie - the choices and their potential consequences (positive and negative) are illustrated so clearly and beautifully.  

It is for this reason, by the way, why I love coaching people - I want everyone to know that we can  control our level of happiness through our thoughts and feelings. Specifically, we can control up to 40% of the happiness we experience, but we have 100% control over the thoughts and feelings that comprise that portion (I'll blog about this 40% separately - complete with scientific data - it deserves it's own post!) - this is fantastic news!!!

Okay, back to HJNTIY . . . this movie basically suggests that the character's happiness is almost entirely dependent on outside circumstance and people (when really, only 10% of our happiness is attributed to external circumstances - more on that in the separate post).  In the case of the movie, the romantic partner is the external thing that is supposed to ignite the happy feelings within us.  Here's what I know for sure: you cannot get happy from outside yourself, happy resides within us always and must be tapped before we can genuinely experience happy outside ourselves.  

Even if someone thinks a person, place, situation or thing makes them happy - it's really the thought about the person, place or thing that created the feeling state they generated for themselves.  For example,  there are auto aficionados who believe owning a (or several) vintage car makes them happy - they may cite the mechanical or aesthetic merits of the car as giving them a sense of appreciation and wonder, driving the car may trigger the feeling state of freedom or exhilaration. These feelings are not triggered in someone who knows jack about cars (like me), but the same feeling states are triggered by other things (for me, this would be dancing!).  These feelings states can also be triggered by just thinking thoughts that turn your crank (and, really, you should engage in this activity frequently!). 

In a romantic relationship, some people may want to feel understood, connected and passionate.  Romantic relationships can certainly trigger these feelings, but they originate in the person feeling them. An example: We may believe a certain guy/gal makes us feel these fab feelings - for a while and then not so much after another while.  What changed?  the guy/gal?  Nope, probably your thoughts about that guy/gal.  Speaking from personal experience, I find the less I know about a charming man the more intrigued I am (the more positive thoughts I can fill in the mystery places with that cause me happy thoughts about the guy - all created by myself thanks, very much - the more fascinated I become with him) - the better I get to know him and he slowly doesn't fit my ideal thoughts about him (so not his fault), the less interested I may become in him.  Not that he isn't necessarily a swell guy, but my thoughts about what I expected and what actually IS mesh less and less and I lose interest.  Of course, I'm talking about a superficial initial attraction sort of thing, I do believe that we are all capable of making far deeper connections than what is on the surface, but it takes courage to be authentic enough to connect with people on a deeper level and it's impossible to do when there is a lot of game playing and such going on - thoughts about what one person thinks another will respond to - do not create fertile grounds for authentic relationships of any kind, romantic or otherwise. 

HJNTIY feeds the idea that we need to act a certain way to attract a certain someone to be in a certain relationship and, ultimately, become happy - and it's not genuine.  There's no acting in being genuine.  HJNTIY and movies like it (and even some well-intentioned advice-givers, i.e. friends and family) suggest silly little rules to follow like, "wait x many days to call or she'll think you're desperate" "don't get too friendly with a guy on the first date or he'll think you're a whore" "the ultimate goal in life is to get married and then cling to your spouse as if your life depends on it" (although I did like the advice dispensed by the bartender guy, like "if he hasn't called in month, he's not into you",  "don't go out with guys who don't like you" and, my favorite, "don't stalk people . . ." the most useful things said in the movie!).  The truth is you either feel desperate or not, you either feel like you're trading your body for monetary (or other) compensation or not, you either feel you need someone else to make you happy and feel complete or you realize that that is an impossible task for anyone but you to do for yourself. If whatever someone says or does gets a negative rise out of you, you probably believe it and that's what is really causing you to suffer.  The truth is you are none of these things, but if you feel it's true then I wholeheartedly suggest you find the thought making you feel that way and dissolve it.

One more note on HJNTIY, even though all of the married couples portrayed in the film appeared miserable with or, at best, uninterested in their spouses - the movie ends with a marriage proposal (I actually said "oh gross" aloud - it was stomach-churning, really) and shows couple hook-ups as it fades out with a "mission accomplished" swagger.  And I'm thinking, to what end?  This formula clearly bred the unhappy couples already portrayed in the movie.   Apparently, this incongruity in logic was lost on the group of girls sitting behind me who were moved to tears when Jennifer Aniston's character found the jewel box/holy grail hiding in the pocket of Ben Affleck's cargo pants .  Or maybe they were just experiencing the same nauseated feelings I was . . .